Tips on how to survive the dating and relationship jungle

This three part article is based on personal and others people’s inputs and experiences. And a lot of observations.

Last weekend I was hanging out with some friends both male and female, all from different heritage, and a topic found its way into the idle conversation. The subject was on social graces and etiquette between the sexes in social settings, the dating game(s), the elusive mate etc. We all had ‘rock solid facts’ and stats to support our opinions and disagreed with each other’s point of views as is typical for people who have had two or more drinks. A lot of, if, why, how and when were thrown around with nothing conclusive or meaningful coming off the discussion. So with no solution in sight, this philosophical group of brilliant minds moved on to other ‘important’ chatter.

As usual, being the daftest of them all, I didn’t move on. I decided to make this into a literal.

We all know that the most elusive and frustrating need in the animal kingdom is finding a mate. The perfect mate, if there’s such. Okay, who are we kidding? Literally, finding a long term mating partner can be a challenge. The human race has come a long way. The homosapien male has evolved from sniffing female’s behinds and chasing them around (sike), clubbing their heads and having their way with them (Good bye gym fees?) to having just under 30 seconds to articulate an intelligent sounding pick up line. The fate of your unborn off-springs and future generations depend on this unit of time!

No pressure.

So, I’m going to break it down on how we as the human race, with all our brilliancy can clinch the one. And if things go according to plan, and keep that only one.

Practice Your Pick-Up Line/ Ice Breaker

Years 18 – 25:
Hormones are displaced at this age, no ice-breaker necessary. Everyone is experimenting and the biggest concern at this point in one’s life is getting the cutest girl and be seen with the coolest boy. At this age you’re also blessed with something called bunny energy; you need this, to enable you hop from one club to the next and still make it to class on three hours of sleep.
- Years 26 – 35:
- This is a critical time for both sexes. Men – you have to have found out by now what verbal queues work, and those that don’t make you sound dorky and idiotic. You also have something going on to boost your confidence. Like the potential to make lots and lots of money, credible finances to buy the many potential brides to be dinner and not get into an inner panic mode when they order the most expensive item on the menu. Not sure why women do this. Quite pretentious. Guys at this time you’re getting a lot of calls from your worried mother. She still wants to look hot as the Mother of the groom. No pressure here either.
  
  Women – Tick Tock – What’s that I hear? Actually it’s more like a ding dong.
  
  Remember Dr. Who’s chilly lyrics? –
- “Tick Tock goes the clock, And what then shall we see? Tick tock until the day, That thou shalt marry me”
  
  Women – If you haven’t been clubbed over the head by now and nurturing little cherubs or brats, you’re still looking fine and can probably stand in the corner of the room and have the male species go gaga. You’ve also clinched yourself a good paying career which you opted to pursue in lieu of matrimonial callings, and can now pay for those expensive martinis you so love to consume. You know, just in case you get stood up, or the guy forgets his wallet at home or ‘my other jacket’. (Guys, this trick is getting old)
  - Years 35 – 55:
  I had to widen this gap, and that’s because people in this age group can now sit in one room and not feel uncomfortable with each other’s age difference. Ha! You’re basically a guru at this point.
  
  Women – Gone are the days when you would sit there and flutter your fake eyelashes looking pretty and have men all over you (unless you’re Sofia Vergara). Get off your high horse Queen of Sheba and walk across the room and seek/talk to a King.
- Men – You’d better have your game face on, a good credit score and no verbal slip ups. You know what gentlemen? How about the universe cut you some slack? Too many years of keeping up with all these ‘chop my money’ business. No need, as long as you dangle your brand new Range Rover keys, you’re good.
  
  To All – Men, Women, Wannabe Men & Women – Confidence level for both sexes is at its highest at this period of time, borderline arrogance; erogeneity heightened by ego and other achievements happening in your life. Tread carefully here, all ye’ lot of pomposity and chest thumping kings and queens of the jungle; yes. At this age you know what you want and need. Chances are you’re probably divorced, free of child bearing and rearing, widowed/widower or just decided overnight to come out of the closet.
  
  Either way, keep an open mind and remember most of you at this time are not really interested in procreation, therefore having a mate who is not at per with your aesthetic standard is okay. It’s while you’re out there looking for one with “perfect” physical attributes that you miss out on a good hearted and caring companion! (blah, blah fish cake!)
- And to think that with all the brilliant people walking around this great earth of ours, none of them have come up with an x-ray app that’s capable of zapping a potential mate to enable us get a tell-tale printout of one’s good heart, other defective organs and intentions. Because seriously, there’s no crime in walking around with a decent looking homosapien. Just saying…
  
  Beware, it’s a jungle out there and only the strongest, no. Only the witty and crafty survive!
  
  Part two – Finders Keepers – next time.